oh simple things, where have you gone?
by longlivethestarks
Summary: alternative title : "Ian Gallagher slowly realises he fucked up".
1. Chapter 1

(I still suck at finding titles (this one is a line from 'somewhere only we know' by keane) and good summaries, sorry!)  
alright, so this is going to be my multi-chapter fic attempt at fixing what happened, at least for me :)  
I apologise in advance for the depiction of Ian's bipolar disorder that I'm probably (quite certainly) not going to get right ... and for any English mistakes you might find. hope you'll still enjoy it :) (it can also be found on AO3, thewaterflowing)

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Ian was lying on his bed, even though it was getting late, he had not planned on sleeping any time soon. His wide-opened eyes were staring at the ceiling as if he was trying to uncover the meaning of life carved into it. He was tired, his limbs were aching, his eyelids were fighting to close, but he had no intentions of letting them win. He didn't want to sleep, he'd rather think over and over again about the events that had gone down in the afternoon. These were all he was able to think about. He had not said many words to his family. They all assumed he was too tired from his trip with Monica. But the truth was, he didn't know what he'd be able to tell them. So they had left him alone.

In fact Fiona, was already busy with her own life, besides she had to deal with Debbie who happened to be pregnant with her new boyfriend's child. Ian had been surprised to learn the news. Surely his little sister was smarter than that. But lately, everything seemed to go wrong, like none of the Gallaghers were themselves. Except for Lip. Lip was still a jackass with all the women in his life. He had broken things up with Amanda who had been nothing but the perfect girlfriend for him. So, in exchange, she had broken his nose. Ian regretted not being there to witness it, he would have certainly cheered for Amanda. Just like he'd have cheered for Mandy … He tried to fight the thought. The name. He couldn't think about her right now, he couldn't think about the time they had spent together, he just couldn't. Because if he did …

He rolled to the side, cuddling his pillow, curling up in his bed. He closed his eyes for a brief second. The silence was heavy. Too heavy. Lip was god knows where, with his teacher or whatever girl he was treating like garbage. He knew Fiona was probably not home, either with Sean or with Gus (or the new love of her life, or even maybe Jimmy-Steve, who knew?), trying to figure out whom she truly wanted to be with at the moment. In any case, that was certainly not any member of her family. Debbie was in her room, sleeping or whatever a pissed off teenage girl could be doing at that time. At least, Ian knew her boyfriend wasn't here. Carl was still in juvie, so the only noise Ian could hear in his room was Liam's calm breathing. It was making him feel peaceful, reassured, like everything would be ok. He restrained himself from going to his brother's bed to hold him in his arms. Lately, it was another baby he would have wanted to hug, but he hadn't in a while. He missed him. But he didn't want to think about him. Everything about him was too painful.

He opened his eyes, they were used to the dark of the room by now. He could even see the time it was on his watch: **3:18**. He didn't want to sleep; he was fighting the fatigue with all he had. He didn't want to drown in some dreams or nightmares he would certainly have. On his nightstand were still standing some tubes containing his pills. They hadn't been moved; even his bottle of water was full. It was as if he had never left. As if the army had never taken him. As if he had not gone away for a few days on a little trip with Monica. Everything was just as it was before all of that, except everything else had changed. He turned to look the other way, to stare at the wall instead. He buried his face in his pillow before realising why he was holding it so close. It smelled like … He slowly rejected it, putting it on the floor to get the smell away from him. But the truth was: the smell was everywhere around him, even _on_ him. It had grown to be too familiar; it was all he could smell, but also all he _wanted_ to smell.

He was feeling weirdly calm, calmer than he had been for days. It wasn't the same sensation of numbness he had felt when he was on his meds. He knew it wouldn't last though. His heart was racing inside of his chest, but the rest of his body was lying still. Conflicted emotions were fighting inside of him, among which: relief and regret, as he was reliving the events of the past afternoon over and over again in his head. He was convincing himself he had done well. He was sure he had done what was best for everyone. He hated to feel like he was a burden; especially to the people he loved most. That's why, even though they weren't doing it on purpose, he didn't mind that much being left alone by his siblings. It was as if they were respecting his choice … Though Fiona was probably thinking he would still take his meds, even on his own.

He started moving in his bed, not being able to find a comfortable position now that he didn't have his pillow to hold on to. He knew he wouldn't sleep tonight, so instead of staying in the room and taking the risk to wake up Liam, he got up. He grabbed his sweat pants and a random tee shirt before leaving the room. He changed quickly and after carefully locking the door of the house behind him, he started running.

It had been a while since the last time he had run, he was out of shape, but he didn't care if he was going to end up being exhausted. He needed to run. It usually helped him clear his mind. The streets were empty and dark, the atmosphere was cold, and it was his very favourite moment of the day. He would probably stay outside long enough to see the sunrise. He was running; not exactly knowing where he was going, his feet were carrying him, guiding him. It took him a few minutes to realise where he was unconsciously heading. He knew that path like the back of his hand. He had run there with a stroller more than once. He could recognise that street even blindfolded. He suddenly stopped. Well, his feet stopped. His heart kept on running at a mind-blowing speed. He felt the urge to turn back and run the other way, but his feet were still stuck in place, not moving. His eyes were stuck on that house he could see from afar. 'House' … More accurately, the place that had been his ' _home_ ' during a couple of months. Now it was all gone, out of his reach, because of his own doing. He couldn't allow himself to feel regret, nor guilt. Not when he had been the one so sure about what he wanted and what he didn't want.

Eventually, after staring at the house for way too long, he managed to move. He turned his back to the street, and started running again, running faster than he should. He needed to stop thinking about everything. He wanted to forget about all of it. All that had happened. All he had done and said. He didn't want to think about it, mostly because he was scared, terrified, of realising he was wrong. As long as he was convinced to having been right, everything would be fine. He ran, until his feet hurt, until he was out of breath and on the verge of throwing up, until he couldn't go on anymore. He practically dragged himself back to his house as the sun was slowly rising on the horizon.


	2. Chapter 2

sorry for the late update and how short this chapter is ... hope you enjoy though!

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The whole house was still asleep. After all, it wasn't that late, probably something like 7-ish. Though he was tired from his jogging, Ian was still quite active so he used his energy to prepare breakfast for his siblings. Afterwards, he started tidying the living room which was a mess, besides, he had to keep himself busy, to keep his mind off of things he didn't want to remember. However, his strategy led him to the opposite result as he noticed the broken glass from the window that had been left on the floor. He remembered Sammi who was (fortunately) unable to aim properly with a fucking gun. He then remembered who she was after but also why that latter person had made an attempt on Sammi. Ah. There it was. There was the guilt he had tried to bury deep down. There it was rushing, breaking everything, all his defences, drowning him like a tsunami. Everything was his fault, it was all him. Sammi should've killed _him_. After all, she had already ratted him out to the army, might as well finish him.

He had heard her being arrested, her yelling and swearing at the cops was so loud the entire neighbourhood had probably heard it too. That was all he knew about the aftermaths of the event.

He heard a step on the stairs that made him startle. He almost reached out for the baseball bat before realising it was only Debbie. She looked at him, then at the breakfast already fully made, then back at him. " _You're already up? You should really take a shower, you stink._ " After that, she just sat at the table and started eating. Ian gazed at her for a few seconds. He could barely recognise her, something had changed while he was away a couple months ago. Because ever since, she was no longer the nice, smart and understanding sibling he had known. Or maybe it was just his perception that had changed. He could remember her calling him crazy at the army base and how it had hurt him. Truth be told, it still did. He knew he was sick, but family was supposed to be forever, family was supposed to stand by you no matter what and not make you feel awful about yourself …

Ian didn't reply to his sister, he just nodded and started to climb the stairs. He waited a couple seconds outside of the bathroom until he heard his brother flush the toilet. He then walked in as Liam was washing his hands. The little boy turned his head to see his brother, frowning, suddenly smelling the unpleasant odour that was coming from the redhead. He even plugged his nose while walking out with a smile, playfully avoiding any physical contact with his brother by remaining a couple feet away from him. Once Liam out, Ian grinned. His little brother was by far the only person who was able to make him feel anything right now; it was an enjoyable, warming feeling in his stomach he wanted to hold on to. He listened to Liam's footsteps rushing down the stairs. He then proceeded to take his clothes off, while taking a peek at his reflection in the mirror. He had large dark rings under his eyes and he looked exhausted, like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He stepped into the shower and turned on the faucet to ice cold water. His entire body tensed up as he rubbed his eyes. The cold against his skin was chasing the numbness away. He was filled with energy.

He spent nearly fifteen minutes there (thank god someone – Lip and his deus ex machine – had paid the water bill), letting the water awake his senses. He could have gone for another run afterwards, but he wasn't up for it. Ian stepped out of the showing singing and wanting to dance like there was no tomorrow. His hips, wrapped in a towel, were swinging, the melody in his mind bewitching his body. His thoughts wandered back in time and he remembered his former job at the Fairy Tale. He was actually missing the place and how every client was gazing at him, wanting to touch every single part of his skin. He enjoyed feeling desired, therefore powerful. He always knew he could ask for anything as long as he gave back even just a little. The clients adored him, needed him.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror and sighed. Even if he wanted to, he doubted he would ever be hired in Boystown again. He was out of shape and his overall appearance was a mess. His hair was so long, too long, longer than it had ever been; he needed to get it cut. He froze a second, experiencing a sort of flashback: the last person who had cut his hair had been Svetlana. She used to trust him, to rely on him, to teach him Russian, to laugh with him … But that time was over now and it probably never happen again.

Ian grabbed clean clothes and got dressed. He heard Debbie yell from afar: "Going to school!" He rushed to the top of the stairs to wish her a good day but the sound of the door shutting cut him. His eyes crossed Liam's." _Guess we're gonna spend the day together buddy!_ " Liam shrugged, used to being left alone, he motioned towards the television remote. Ian hurried to put himself between his little brother and the TV. " _Uhu, don't you dare even think about it!_ " He smiled as the surprise was obvious on Liam's face. Pleased to see he could still surprise the people around him and especially the kid standing in front of him, Ian went to look in the cupboard for board games he could play with his brother. He ended up picking four of these, most of them had several missing pieces but it didn't matter. They played for a couple hours, Gallagher-style, laughing like they didn't have a care in the world, like Ian wasn't being manic, like Liam hadn't been left on his own for most of the past few months. Nothing was important but the sound of their laughter and the way Liam giggled.

Eventually, they both got tired of cheating, winning or losing. Ian let his sibling tidy the mess they had made. " _I'm gonna rest just for a while, ok buddy?_ " He stroked Liam's hair and climbed up the stairs. He didn't feel tired at all but he felt like lying down. He had a ton of energy at the moment and he needed to channel all of it. Otherwise, he was pretty sure he would explode.


End file.
